I think there’s a difference between expecting reality and accepting it.
My favorite teacher always said to treat people like who you know they could be, not who they are. She kept her expectations reasonable, and she knew how to be fair — but while she understood the current reality of each of her students, she didn’t accept that ceiling for the long term.
She pushed for growth. And she helped create so much of it.
As I aspire to be more like her, here are my thoughts about small incremental change in the dog world.
TLDR summary
- We can be reasonable about what the world around us is like while still taking efforts to make it a little bit better.
- No, we can’t expect other dog owners or members of the public to cater to us… but yes, it’s fair to have emotional responses to difficult events.
- There is a huge spectrum between “being bitter about everything all the time” and “saying anything goes because we don’t think we can make a difference”.
- The most productive balance on that spectrum will vary depending on our dogs, our environments, our individual capacities, and more.
One unproductive extreme: Getting fired up about everything, all the time
I have pretty high standards for dog ownership and training. I dream of a world where we all respect personal space, prioritize biological fulfillment, and reach deeply for the magic of a mutually beneficial canine-human bond.
I also realize that’s a pretty rosy vision… especially here in the modern United States. If I walk out of my door expecting fellow owners to follow every posted rule and ask before reaching for my dog and this & that & the other thing, I will be sorely disappointed 24/7.
And let me tell you from experience: That disappointment is a form of poison. Earlier in my training journey with Scout, my mood was dictated by things out of my control. An off-leash dog encounter could ruin my whole week (or more). I’d be unable to focus on a conversation with Sean in public if there was an overweight or visibly stressed dog around.
I didn’t want to admit it, but at some level I believed the world should cater to me and my personal values.
And that was a very unproductive extreme.
We need to “live in the real world”
It’s important we understand the reality at hand. One of the biggest things that has improved my life with Scout is simply having realistic expectations about the environments we enter! I recognize that:
- I can’t blindly count on the owners around me to follow leash laws.
- There will always be people who try to touch my dog without asking first.
- Many dog lovers aren’t interested enough in training (or don’t have the available resources) to look for more than a surface-level quick fix.
- The reason rescues often refuse to adopt dogs to people without yards is because many owners aren’t willing (or able) to put in the effort to be successful in an apartment.
- And more.
We can only control ourselves
It’s true that the only thing we can fully control is ourselves. Getting riled up day in & day out has only driven me crazy — and been incredibly unhealthy for both me and my dog, not to mention the people around us.
I do not at all recommend:
- Yelling at people who act in a way we don’t like (that just pushes them further away)
- Name calling (same situation here)
- Publicly shaming folks (especially posting photos or videos of other people in public spaces without consent)
- Making snarky, sarcastic, or high-and-mighty statements
- Spending the majority of our time complaining about external factors
- Constantly “preaching to the choir” with self-righteous anger
The other unproductive extreme: Saying anything goes, all the time
At the same time I believe it’s imperative to have realistic expectations about the world around us, I’ve become increasingly uncomfortable hearing variations of “just let it go, get over it, stop whining, etc” when something negative happens.
Is it productive to wallow in self despair? To shout obscenities from the rooftops? Of course not! I hope the above section made that clear.
But I also think it’s unproductive to roll over and suppress our emotions and give up entirely.
Just because there are problems with modern dog ownership today doesn’t mean that’s how things have to be in the future. Through open sharing and conversations and questions, I think we can make a difference. Maybe a tiny one… but even the littlest impact can ripple.
And those ripples aren’t nothing.
I know I’ve long tended towards naivety and enthusiasm and an overzealous commitment to certain ideals. But while I’ve gotten a lot more balanced and logical in the past two years, I don’t ever want to stop believing in small incremental change.
We can do things like:
- Politely start up conversations when the situation feels right
- Appeal to both emotions and logic to plant seeds
- Make sure to say “thank you” when people do leash their dogs, ask before reaching to pet, and so on
- Write about experiences after the fact to share with a larger audience
- Reflect on personal mistakes to highlight that there’s no shame in changing our minds
- Adjust our own behavior to act as a positive example
- Get in touch with fellow owners who have similar values
- Vent in safe spaces and productively process emotions
Some firsthand examples of managing my emotions and pushing for small incremental change as a dog owner
Being approached by out-of-control off-leash dogs
This has been one of my most passionate (and emotionally charged) topics since adopting Scout. She’s afraid of other dogs after her unknown past and getting attacked — being approached without permission can be a huge training & confidence setback.
In our early days, seeing off-leash dogs in places with clearly posted leash laws made my blood boil. I felt compelled to go out of my way to police other people’s behavior… and not kindly. (I once got in a shouting match with a drunk college guy who unclipped his dog’s collar so she could run at us. I was a mess.)
Today? My personal values still don’t align with having my dog off leash in a leash-required space. My adrenaline spikes if we see an untethered dog sprinting in the distance. But we handle it as best we can — calmly and without malice — so everyone is better off in the long run.
- I expect 1) that we will see off leash dogs in places with leash laws, and 2) that owners will not be able to effectively control those dogs.
- We prepare for that situation ahead of time and practice advocating for Scout’s space.
- But I don’t accept that this is how it always has to be. We focus on small incremental change and conversations rooted in empathy. If given the chance, I’ll explain that my dog is scared. On our own platforms, I’ll talk about the importance of public respect. These things may not be as gratifying as a shouting match in the moment… but they’re far more effective.
More articles about our experiences with off-leash dogs:
- How I Handle Getting Emotional About Off-Leash Dogs
- Why Dog Leash Laws Matter
- Questions I’ve Been Asked by Off-Leash Dog Owners
People not knowing (or actively disrespecting) dog body language
As I’ve invested in learning more about canine body language, it’s also been frustrating to see folks put Scout (or their own pets) in unfair situations. I wish we lived in a world where the average person can tell that a dog is stressed and relieve their physical or social pressure accordingly… but we don’t.
So instead of getting angry — or giving up — I try to strike a balance. I instruct people how to interact with Scout. I explain my reasoning. If someone else tells me I can pet their dog but the body language doesn’t agree, I say no thank you and tell them why.
As always, it’s not a perfect process. But as always… it’s not nothing.
More writing on Scout’s interactions specifically:
- How I Decide Whether to Let Someone Pet My Dog
- Why I Say No to People Who Want to Pet My Dog
- My Dog’s Safety Matters More Than a Stranger’s Opinion of Me
Seeing unfulfilled dogs
Biological fulfillment has become one of the core pieces of my dog ownership philosophy. Accordingly, it’s also something that can make me emotional — particularly when I see fellow owners who seem oblivious to their pets’ canine needs.
While I wish a basic understanding of instincts & drives & natural behaviors came automatically with caring for a dog, it would be unfair to expect that. What is fair, though? Using our own platform to share what we’ve personally learned. Doing a small part to normalize play and sniffing. Empathizing and giving the benefit of the doubt. So many things!
Related reading on fulfillment and the impulse to judge people around us:
- It’s Not Fair to Judge Other Owners
- No Punishment Without Fulfillment: Being Fair to My Dog
- How Invisible Illness Can Impact Dog Ownership
We can strike a balance: Prepare for reality… while also working to make it better
At the end of the day, the dog world (and life) aren’t all or nothing.
I expect reality. I go out into the world prepared for what is likely to happen. I control myself, and my dog, and the work we put in as a team.
But I don’t accept that just because something is likely today means it has to be likely tomorrow, too.
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