The other day I saw a Twitter video of a young toddler climbing on top of his family dog. When I clicked onto the replies, I noticed something that made me cringe.
Even polite comments were dismissed as “hate”
Several kind folks had chimed in that while the clip was cute on the surface — the boy clearly loved his dog, and we’re all about children growing up with companions! — there are healthier ways for kids to interact with pets. The golden retriever showed some pretty clear signs of discomfort. It’s an owner’s job to pay attention to that body language.
Most of these replies felt perfectly reasonable to me. Balanced, free from intentionally antagonistic language or name calling, raising a relevant point. But no matter how maturely the sentiments were phrased? Scores of commenters were quick to dismiss any concerns. People wrote back things like “haters gonna hate” and “stop trolling” and “if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all”.
Make no mistake: I have a very low tolerance for actual harassment! But I couldn’t see how the polite responses I’d just read were conflated with straight-up trolling.
I’ve experienced the same thing firsthand in the dog Instagram community. Sometimes I’ll leave a comment on a public post that isn’t in full agreement with the author’s words. I love chatting through ideas and embracing nuance in how we perceive things! I’ll take care to phrase my thoughts politely and acknowledge what does resonate… only to be dismissed as a hater. A troll. Someone trying to bring them down.
Trolls absolutely exist — but are we too quick to throw the label around?
What’s going on here? Are we all so overcome with the genuine toxicity of some internet interactions that we have no capacity for actual, productive conversations? (Burnout is a real thing. We absolutely deserve to protect our peace.)
Or do we sometimes use labels like “hater” and “troll” to avoid facing anyone who might disagree with our content? I think jumping too quickly to the “haters gonna hate” mindset when someone doesn’t show 100% support of our ideas can prevent us from absorbing new information or being open to potentially helpful discussions.
Here are some thoughts on what differentiates a troll from someone who just wants to talk through another perspective.
TLDR: Summary Instagram post
- Disagreement does not automatically equal hate or trolling.
- It’s fair to dismiss someone who comes in with combative language or sends mean messages just because. There’s no room for that in a productive, healthy space.
- But a person who offers a different perspective or expresses a polite concern? That is not the same thing as a troll!
Signs of a “hater” or “troll”
Trolls are out there — and they suck.
There have been plenty of times where telling myself “don’t let that person get to you, they’re trolling” or “there will always be some haters” has been important for me. I’ve been told all sorts of out-of-line things: my dog is abused, I’m stupid or ugly, we’re bad owners… on and on.
It’s not just fair but imperative to my mental health to dismiss folks who come in with combative language or send mean messages just because.
Trolls might insult your character rather than discuss your actual ideas
This is called ad hominem. These argument fallacies are directed against a person themselves rather than the position they hold.
Haters often call you names
Often referred to as abusive ad hominem. Also is just plain rude. No productive conversation (at least that I’ve been part of) starts off with outright insults.
Trolls have only negative things to say
If someone finds fault with every last thing you post and never acknowledges the ways they do agree with you or the values you are aligned on? Odds are they’re here to spread negativity.
Haters are likely combative in conversation
While we all have different communication styles — some people are more open to conflict than others — it’s common for genuine trolls to mock, use excess sarcasm, make quick assumptions, ignore important pieces of your ideas, and so on. They might deliberately misunderstand what we say by jumping to extreme conclusions.
Trolls shut down when you try to chat
Someone who properly interested in learning and sharing another perspective will usually be open to a more in-depth conversation. Someone just trying to spread hate won’t.
But a troll is not someone who:
Just because haters exist doesn’t mean everyone who isn’t fully supportive of our content wants to hurt us. Tone is especially difficult to read on the internet — I’m generally happy when I give folks the benefit of the doubt (at least until they prove themselves as a troll by acting in the above ways). Many of my favorite fellow dog owner connections have started with respectful disagreement or requests for more nuance!
Asks a follow up question
Over-the-top, obnoxious questioning of everything you do? Sounds like a hater or troll to me. But someone asking for more context or information about something you posted? A perfectly reasonable comment on a public platform.
Kindly inquires about your decision making process
Telling you your choices sucksand you’re a bad person? Unnecessary hate, of course. But wanting to hear more about your decision making process or the variables you took into consideration? That can be the start of a very thoughtful conversation.
Expresses another perspective or valid concern
Yelling that you’re completely wrong and stupid? Not cool. Sharing a different perspective that doesn’t fully align with your own? Totally fair. Many things color our perceptions of the dog training and ownership world. We all have different goals. We’re all always still learning. Trying to add nuance to a conversation — provided it’s done in a mature way — is not inherently combative!
Politely explains how your post came across to them
Semantics are messy. Sometimes we think we’re saying one thing, but our words take on different meaning to someone else… and that doesn’t mean either of us are necessarily wrong. These conversations can be opportunities to learn, grow, and get past communication barriers.
Some side-by-side examples
Trolling or hateful comments
- “You’re a horrible dog owner.”
- “What an awful decision.”
- “I feel bad for your dog.”
- “You’re uneducated / stupid.”
- “I hope [something cruel like ‘your kid gets bit’ or ‘your dog turns on you’]”
- “Anyone who’s actually smart knows…”
- Pretty much anything with swear words, derogatory terms, or other name calling.
Attempts at genuine conversation
- “I’d love to hear more about your thought process!”
- “Can you elaborate on what you mean?”
- “I see where you’re coming from. For us personally…”
- “I’m a little concerned by this body language.”
- “Can you point me in the direction of any research / resources you learned from?”
- “Would you be willing to share why you believe X, Y, or Z?”
Ultimately: There’s always room for balance
We deserve to protect our peace. We can curate our social media platforms in ways that support our mental health. And we can do those things while still remaining open to new ideas, fresh perspectives, and different experiences.
Just because someone doesn’t fully endorse our content doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. If we aren’t feeling open to discussion? That’s okay! We can post privately, limit comments, or specifically ask folks to keep their opinions to themselves. Otherwise? When we put thoughts out into a public space, we should be willing to entertain respectful (key word: respectful!) dialogue.
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