You saw my dog wearing a prong collar. It made you uncomfortable. I can respect those emotions!
Now you’re having a hard time letting our training differences go. Instead of remembering all the things we do align on as dog owners, you can’t get the image of our scary-looking metal device out of your head. You might have even thought to yourself (or gone so far as to tell me directly) that I must be abusing my dog. That I don’t deserve to have her. That she’s miserable.
I know you mean well. It’s obvious you love dogs. And I love that you care!
But it makes me sad to see you spending your resources sending unkind messages to a stranger on the internet instead of channeling them into other avenues of animal welfare.
Do you really believe everyone who uses a prong (or an ecollar or whatever other training tool) with their dog is a horrible person? Do you truly think every pet wearing these items is in an awful state of mind? Are you genuinely convinced that I would wake up in the morning and knowingly say “today I’m going to hurt my dog”?
Do you really believe the creature who plays with me in dozens of environments, who is so much braver than she was when I first met her at the shelter, who has countless friends, who is comfortable visiting so many places, who wiggles her whole body when I get home, who eagerly sprints to me from across an open field (even when she’s wearing no tools at all) has a bad life?
Make no mistake: I know it’s not that simple. Just because a dog gets biological fulfillment and shows signs of joy in certain moments doesn’t mean their life is fully optimized, or that things couldn’t be better, or that we shouldn’t still consider pushing for marginal returns. And there certainly are people out there using tools like prongs in ways that make me cringe. I don’t think everyone and their brother should slap these collars on their dogs.
But.
How is it productive to make assumptions and say intentionally rude things and write us off completely instead of engaging in mature conversation? Asking clarifying questions? Taking the whole picture of our life — the advocacy, the play, the empathy, and yes, the occasional use of thoughtful punishment — all together?
I’m thankful that I’m not personally hurt by you. I’m incredibly proud of the work I’ve put in to not let external opinions wreck my mental state and make me go crazy and create self doubt. And I’m personally confident that my dog lives one hell of a life in my care!
But I am still sad.
I’m sad that all you can see is one single tool. I’m sad that the presence of that tool prevents you from looking around at everything else:
Our focus on biological fulfillment, our commitment to play, our dedication to being good advocates, our care for being respectful in public. The fact that almost all of our outings nowadays are on a simple flat collar or harness. That we hardly use punishment anymore, because that’s the goal when properly applied: To create clarity and long-term harmony.
The mountains of tears I cried when my dog was diagnosed with epilepsy. The painstaking process to figure out what treatment would be best for her. The thousands of dollars of online content, virtual sessions, and in-person training classes we’ve consumed (and the hours of free reading and listening on top of that) to try to be the best we can for this amazing creature.
I know that dog training conversations can be difficult. I respect that you might have salient personal experiences coloring your perception of certain tools. I understand that all of us humans are emotional creatures! I’d never expect perfect measured responses or polished communication 100 percent of the time.
But as much as possible… I think we should try to start with empathy, not judgment.
I’m happy to answer questions. I’m happy to chat about our personal choices. I’m happy to agree to disagree. I’m even happy to change my mind — so long as we can show each other the same kindness we aim to show our dogs.
If we can’t do that, I don’t think we’re as humane as we claim to be.
12 comments
[…] seem to create “sides” — most of the balanced dog training community in favor of prong collars while the force-free community is against them and vice versa for front-clipping harnesses, for […]
I wholeheartedly agree !!! I got a dog who was neglected from training and came home with me about 6 months ago. The first few months were brutal because I didn’t want to use any kind of training tools or methods to help me train her so she can have a better quality of life. I think the part that people who do not agree with these tools don’t understand is that some dogs don’t have the upbringing in their younger life that makes them good pets. That is exactly why mine ended up in the shelter. I have been using a prong collar and a vibration/shock collar im areas where necessary. And now she comes when called, stays when asked to stay and after the word break is said she goes back to her old self to play and be herself. When she is home all collars including the normal one comes off and she is just the happiest she’s ever been. I’ve since taken her back to the shelter and they cannot believe the transformation. It’s difficult to hear people you know say stuff like “why are you doing that to her” … But it’s easy for them to say that, when she used to pee and poo all over the house they used to say “you need to train her better”. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried positive reinforcement techniques and I’ve tried so many other ways.. but she’s not one to change her ways until it’s made clear to her that her behavior is unacceptable. Simple. Every doggo has a personality just like every human. And just like it took me a lot of pain in my life to learn valuable lessons after which I’m leading a good life she’s the same way. Eventually I’ll not be using any of those tools because she will understand why and learn to listen.
Say tomorrow I die, and she goes back into the shelter… Her training will make sure that she is being adopted as soon as possible and she will have a great life. If not, the percentage chance of her being returned to the shelter is higher than what many people think.
I love reading your writing, you have inspired so many of my own thoughts! Well put and so very applicable to many of life’s moments.
That means so, so, so much to hear. Thank you for taking the time to share some kind words.
Firstly, I agree overall with this assessment. While I do not use aversive tools, I also understand and accept that the people I see on instagram who use prong and/or ecollars and are also extremely dedicated to playing with their dogs, taking them hiking, etc. are not the people I need to be particularly concerned about, especially considering the extensive cruelty and neglect that so many dogs experience.
That said, I also think there is a line where it makes sense to “write someone off”. If I was looking at an account that played with their dog but also physically beat their dog, I would not want to consume that person’s content. Maybe they do many good things too, but to me their choice on how to treat their dog crosses a line that colors the rest of their content in a way that makes me unwilling to engage with them at all. I suspect everyone would draw that line somewhere. For some people, it might be seeing a prong on a dog. I certainly don’t condone rudeness or personal attacks, but I also don’t think anyone has any obligation to follow or engage with anyone else’s content. This is especially true given the plethora of dog content there is on instagram – there is an opportunity cost to spending time engaging with an account instead of another.
I wholeheartedly agree! I apologize if any part of this open letter came across as saying that people *must* continue to engage with content they don’t find valuable — we’re on the same page about folks being able to draw their personal lines in the sand about what they read / listen to / follow along with wherever feels best for them.
Rather, in the sentence where I say “How is it productive to make assumptions and say intentionally rude things and write us off completely instead of engaging in mature conversation?” I was hoping to get across that completely dismissing someone because of a single disagreement — in a rude or antagonistic way — never seems to do much good.
Cringe. Talking Empathy while justifying bodily harm against Schutzbefohlene. But ClARiTy. Nope.
Sadly, the implied snark here is exactly the sort of thing that inspired this open letter in the first place.
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for taking the time to read!
Love this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Kindness is so important. We all love our dogs.
Thank you for taking the time to say so!